(Me and my Mum walked into Kmart behind a gay couple holding hands.)
Mum: Oh my God! Look at the pansies!
(I stare at her in horror as the guys in front of us turn around and glare. I realize she is pointing to a display of pansy plants near the door.)
Dadders: You know… I got three great things out of that marriage with you mom.
Me: What's that?
Dadders: You, Joe (little brother), and my motorcycle!
Me: What about Aaron (big brother)?
Dadders: Yeah… No taksies backsies
(After I got my fiance pregnant)
Me: Well, mom, we're having a baby!
Mom: How the hell did that happen?
Grandpa, (looking up from his scotch): They had SEX Michelle!
Mom: I need a cigarette, who has a lighter?
Little Sister: I thought you said you were going to quit smoking?
Mom: Yeah, I also said I was going to quit having kids after Anna, but I didnt do that either, did I?
Vanessa’s Mom Keeps Track of the Prices These Days
Me: Mom, I need money!
Mom: How much and what are you going to spend it on?
Me (jokingly): I need about $20 and I'm probably going to spend it on drugs.
Mom: Well if you want drugs then you're going to need more than that!
(Dad comes out of the the bathroom he's been re-doing with a box-knife stuck in his forehead)
Dad: Do you think I need to go to the emergency room for this?
(Me telling my mom about random facts that I had learned writing a research paper on chocolate.)
Me: Some women prefer chocolate to sex.
Mom: Well, if you prefer chocolate to sex, you're doing it wrong.
100100111010101000′s Dad Will Make a Killing in that Startup
Dad: I going on a business trip to California.
Me: Why?
Dad: Dell purchased a company and I have to help set it up.
Me: What company was it?
Dad: Foreskin.
